Four Steps to Safely Navigate Abuse in Religious Marriages

I understand that living under the same roof with an abusive spouse is both painful and confusing. For many victims, and you may be one of them, it can feel like being trapped, much like a bee in a spider’s web.

While domestic abuse among religious spouses is not a widespread phenomenon, thanks to Allah, it still exists, and the reasons can vary from family to family. Some abusive spouses are aware of their behaviour and attempt to justify it, while others are not. Some may even engage in abusive behaviour without recognising it as such—at least, according to what they claim. They may even quote verses from the Holy Qur’an or Prophetic texts to justify their actions!

In this course, I will provide you with the knowledge, tools, and strategies you need to take action. The bottom line is that domestic abuse is a serious issue that shouldn't be overlooked; it frequently worsens and ruins lives. I've personally seen the devastating effects of this. Allow me to recount a couple of experiences:

During my time at WICC in Fulham and Chelsea, London, I counselled a client who was married to an abusive religious spouse. She disclosed that she slept with a knife beneath her pillow, contemplating suicide because of the suffocating abuse. Thankfully, she reached out for help.

I also knew a kind-hearted man in London who was married to a supposedly devout and practising sister. He endured abuse from her and her family until he tragically took his own life.

It's heartbreaking to see good people suffer in this way due to ignoring abuse and lacking proper guidance. Many mistake patience for silence. Patience doesn't mean you ignore domestic abuse. A whole chapter in the Holy Qur’an was named after a woman who came to the Prophet (Peace be upon him), complaining about her husband (Surah Al-Mujadila, 58:1).

As an expert in Muslim marriage therapy, I'm here to share four crucial steps to help you break free from abuse. But first, let's address three common mistakes victims make:

1. Don’t remain passive: Silence only worsens the situation, as abuse thrives on it.

2. Don’t speculate about why you're in this situation: Recognise the patterns of abuse instead.

3. Avoid guessing how to respond to your abusive religious spouse: This only leads to further pain.

Once you comprehend the nature and origin of your abuse, along with its driving force and motive, your response must possess two key qualities: it must be safe and effective. Many people’s reactions to abuse fail due to a lack of these qualities. While responding is necessary, it should be a deliberate action, not a hasty reaction. I'll explain the difference.

To help you understand your "religious" yet abusive relationship and respond to it safely and effectively, without wasting time speculating on what, why, how, or when, and without violating your Islamic principles, I've simplified the process into four essential steps:

1. Mind-Detox: The foundation for clarity, decision-making, and action-taking. This involves adopting simple but crucial habits to manage your emotions, preventing unnecessary pain and enabling necessary action.

2. Abuse-Set: Understanding the real motives behind the abusive behaviour of religious spouses. For many domestic abuse victims, the most pressing question is, "Why am I abused?" Not knowing exacerbates mental anguish and confusion. Abuse follows certain patterns, and as a victim, you need skills to understand the dynamics in your household.

3. Islamic Jurisprudence Rule-Set: This covers Islamic regulations on issues that often spark conflict in Muslim marriages. Understanding and adhering to Islamic principles is essential for a happy, successful marriage and for preventing abuse.

4. Decision and Action Skill-Set: Abuse can paralyse victims, making it hard to discern what is beneficial for them. Even when they know, they may struggle to act. However, once you acquire basic decision-making and action-taking skills, you'll be able to make informed decisions and act on them effectively.

If you resonate with this and feel I am speaking to your struggle, this course was made just for you.

I look forward to working alongside you!